What's Your Status? Closing the Relationship Gap

There is no denying it, there is an obsession in the world with relationship status. One of the first things anyone you meet wants to know is, “Are you married? If not, are you dating anyone?” Just look at Facebook… what an ordeal it is when someone changes their relationship status from “single” to “in a relationship.” If you ever want to see your “like” count go up in numbers just make this switch. Watch what happens.

Much of our adult identity is wrapped up in this one category about ourselves. Are you married? Are you single? As we meet new people along life’s journey, one after another, our minds are made up and our curiosity is quenched once we can place them in the single, dating, or married box.

Aren't we more than what our relationship status says we are?

Unfortunately, this need to label people by their relationship status seems heightened in the Church. Once we know which box each member checks off, we start to place who their friends should be, what small group they’d fit into best, and what ministry they should be a part of. It seems that the body of Christ has created an unnecessary divide among its members, intentionally compartmentalizing its people according to their relationship status. This makes it very awkward for many people to go over to another box and engage with those who don’t share the same status. Instead we just stay in our own box, however comfortable or uncomfortable it may be...  So how do we help this?

To the single, and the married, I have 5 suggestions for closing the relationship gap in the church…

1. If you’re married… intentionally seek out a single person in your church. Welcome them into your home and into your family. Do life with them. Get to know them apart from their single status. Don't make it your mission to find them a husband or a wife. And more importantly, share your married life with them!

2. If you’re single… intentionally get to know the married people in your church. And not just the ones that are your age. There is much wisdom to be gained from their married experiences. If your desire is for marriage yourself, make friends with married people! And take notes!

3. Celebrate one another. Don’t just limit your celebration to birthdays, anniversaries, marriages, and new babies (all of which are worthy of celebration), but also celebrate new jobs, new homes, and new schools. More importantly… celebrate those tangible experiences that prove God’s faithfulness in your lives!

4. Honor where God has each of you. And do not put one above another. Marriage is not a reward for those who proved themselves faithful. And intimacy with God in singleness doesn’t mean God loves you better or more. Singles don’t need rescuing from their singleness. And married folks don’t need to take the blame for your unsatisfied desire. Know that each of you is where you are because Christ purposed it for His glory. Love what you see when you see Him in each other.

5. Pray together. Pray often. And pray for each other. Don’t isolate your prayer life to yourself and your season. Be mindful of one another in prayer. Share your requests… even if the other person is not living the same experience. When you are in covenant relationship, all of what we are going through together matters.

Ultimately we are One Body, with One Spirit. Our differences should glorify our Father all the more. And as the Church, our likeness is in Christ Jesus. We have no difference in Him. So next time you see that married or single person at church, remind yourself that their relationship status is one with Jesus FIRST, then grab a cup of coffee with them. Our fellowship has no divide when we remember what ties us together. 

Matters of the Heart

Living as a single woman in Christ, there’s a real awareness of my heart, almost all the time. I know when it’s full. I know when it’s weak. I know when there’s room for others in it, and I know when it just needs some time alone. I’m careful with it and conscious of it. And the Lord commands me to guard it with all diligence.

Diligence? Yes, diligence. That means, “Careful and persistent work or effort.” There is work involved in this guarding; persistent and careful work. And as the years increase in number, this diligence to guard my heart seems to increase in importance.

But what does this actually mean? More specifically, what does it look like for a single person, seeking God, and desiring marriage?

The bible mentions the heart over 500 times. 500 times! I think it’s something we ought to pay close attention to. So let’s take a closer look at the Lord’s investment on the issue.

• The Lord sees my heart. (1 Samuel 16:7)
• The Lord knows my heart. (Luke 16:15)
• The Lord searches my heart. (Jeremiah 17:10)
• The Lord renews my heart. (2 Corinthians 4:16)
• The Lord strengthens my heart. (Ephesians 3:16)

With all the caution I have guarded my heart with, I can confidently conclude that the Lord Himself cares about the condition of my heart more than I do. He wouldn’t have this much to say about it in His word if He didn’t. He wouldn’t make so many promises concerning it. He wouldn’t work so hard at making it better. And He certainly wouldn’t have sacrificed His son for it. God is so concerned with our hearts that we need not fear because He Himself is our guard. We just need to listen to His instructions.

God has put great value on our hearts, so how do we guard them as He instructs us to? As a single person it’s natural to want to guard my heart from being hurt. I haven’t given it away to anyone yet and I haven’t vowed to share with another. So I hold it tightly and make sure it’s well protected from any pain or ache. I set up a wall around it with no room for vulnerability and risk, ultimately too afraid to let anyone too close to it.

Is this what God was talking about when He told me to guard my heart with all diligence? I know it can't be, because of two things... 1.) I'm holding it too tightly. 2.) Fear is present in my plan.

So I look closely at scripture and ask the Lord for help…

Proverbs 4:23-27 (NASB)

23 Watch over your heart with all diligence,

For from it flow the springs of life.

24 Put away from you a deceitful mouth

And put devious speech far from you.

25 Let your eyes look directly ahead

And let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you.

26 Watch the path of your feet

And all your ways will be established.

27 Do not turn to the right nor to the left;

Turn your foot from evil.

Hmm... I don't see anything about protective walls in these verses. What I do see is that springs of life are flowing from my heart. There is no wall to stop that flow. In fact, for anything to flow there must be an opening for it to flow from.

I heard a message by Beth Moore a couple of years ago that completely turned upside down this idea of guarding my heart.  I promise you, I never looked at it the same again. In it she talks about the Lord guarding His own heart from diminishing love. He doesn’t guard His heart FROM people… but He guards His heart FOR people. 

Check out a piece of that message here…

Beth Moore: God Guards His Heart

Doesn’t that just blow your mind?!

Here’s where this gets really important to singles. I know the ups and downs of a single heart, devoted to Jesus, and desiring marriage. I know what it’s like to have a crush that ends up crushing you. I know what it’s like to be in a relationship that God never says, “yes” to. I know what it’s like to wait without any prospects and wonder if this is the place God wants to keep you. I know what its like to go to wedding after wedding wondering when it’s gonna be your turn. I know what it’s like when people ask you why you’re not married or even dating yet. I know. I promise you, I know.

I also know that all of these situations have a great affect on the condition of our hearts. There are far too many opportunities for the seeds of jealousy, bitterness, cynicism, division, self-pity, and pride to take root. These are the very things the Lord is instructing us to guard our hearts from. Because it’s just too easy sometimes. It’s too easy to say that guy (who happens to be your brother in Christ) is a jerk just because He’s not pursuing you. And too easy to talk about that girl (who happens to be your sister in Christ) behind her back because He’s pursuing her instead. It’s too easy to roll your eyes at the next couple you see holding hands at church. And too easy to secretly hope things don’t work out for them. It’s too easy to put on that fake smile and tell your friends how happy you are that they’ve found their soul mates. And far too easy to sit at home each night stewing in how you deserve what they have instead.

We are not too far from the corruption of love in our hearts. Be aware how easy it can creep in.

I know! That's heavy! But I also know it's TRUE! So how do we preserve the love of God in our hearts so that His love in us does not diminish? How do we bear fruit instead of sin? How do we keep the wall from going up and allow life and love to flow through, in, and out of us?

There is hope! I believe this Proverbs passage gives us some great insight. After we are told to guard our hearts with all diligence, the Lord follows with these commands:

1. Put away a deceitful mouth.

2. Put devious speech far from you.

3. Fix your eyes straight ahead (and not behind).

4. Watch the path your feet are on.

5. Turn your feet from evil.

When my mouth is filled with dishonesty and deceit about others, the love of God does not flow from me. When my eyes are not fixed on what’s ahead and dwell instead on the things of the past, there is not life springing up and out of me. When I look at someone else’s path instead of my own I am neglecting the fruit on my own path. My foot (where I'm walking) is turned toward evil instead.

These are our instructions. We need to be very alert to what comes out of our mouths when we feel the ache of disappointment. And by the grace of God we need to guard our minds from letting our flesh rule us. When it does, we need to ask for forgiveness and fight for a clean heart. This doesn’t mean we put up a wall so that we don’t get hurt. We will get hurt. And it’s ok. Because our Father in heaven sees, knows, searches, renews and strengthen us. His love toward us will not diminish!

And so with that…. the wall is lifted. And I am free to let this heart of mine love with great abandon. With all its risks and rewards. Let me be free from that which hardens the heart and instead be reminded that in all of its emotions, it is still working. The doors are open, and life (Christ) is flowing from me. Thank you Jesus, for making this your priority.

Blessing on the Journey,

:) Michelle

The Prize of Contentment

If you're single in the church, chances are someone has told you, "You just need to be content in the Lord. Once that happens, God will give you your husband/wife." 

While I love the first part of the advice,  I think we have to be cautious with the second part. Is it truth? As I began to read the scriptures for guidance in this single season, I found myself scratching my head when I heard people say this. I believe it sends singles on a tireless pursuit for contentment with the wrong motivation to find it. It's a search where we keep convincing ourselves we must be getting closer, so therefore the prize of a marriage must be behind the next door. And when it's not... we're back to square one. Even less content than we were when we began. 

Before I proceed, I really and truly do not want to discourage anyone who is sincerely bringing their heart's desires to the Lord and seeking Him for understanding while you wait. And if I'm being really transparent with you, this is something I am just learning to do myself (I'll save that one for another blog). God delights to hear about these marriage dreams of ours and we should be as eager to talk to Him about them as we are with our closest friends. 

But it's important that we keep in mind that marriage is not the reward for our contentment in Christ. More of Christ is our reward. Contentment in Christ is not a means to your happily ever after. Contentment in Christ is a means to your oneness with God. Marriage is not the answer to your current state of discontentment. Marriage is a covenant commitment created by God to reflect the church's relationship with Him. You are the church. Your relationship with Jesus today, will be reflected in your marriage tomorrow.

So what is your relationship with Jesus like today? What do you believe you would bring to a marriage that you can confidently say was reflected in your singleness?  Are you reflecting trust in God? Intimacy with Jesus? Obedience to the Father? Joy in the Holy Spirit? Or are you reflecting unbelief, distance, disobedience, weariness, and frustration? Don't put the fruit of your relationship with Jesus on reserve until He decides to bless you with marriage. It's yours, right now. So eat of it and allow it to multiply. So much so that the abundance of it can easily be shared with your spouse one day. 

I know what you're thinking... easier said than done. You might be asking... how do I do this? How do I satisfy myself fully in Jesus? With my eyes set on Him alone... and not on the so-called marriage "prize". I don't think this is one of those things that if you just say it enough times it will be true. It can only happen in the deepest places of your heart. And when that happens you won't have to convince people of it... they'll just know it.  

It also doesn't happen overnight. It comes with prayer. Lots and lots of prayer. It comes with discipleship. It comes with believing God for everything He is seeing you through each day. It comes with an increased belief in His promises. It comes with counting these promises as infinitely valuable! Not the promise to make you a husband or a wife... but the promises that He clearly lays out in the scriptures for you to possess. Promises that when possessed will strengthen your walk, confirm your faith, and bless you with a confidence to love what God is doing... right now. Let THESE promises be enough to satisfy us in this season. Here are just a few:

Freedom   John 8:36

Escape (from temptation)   1 Corinthians 10:13

Peace   John 14:27

Power (by the Holy Spirit)   Acts 2:38-39

Wisdom   James 1:5

Joy   John 16:24

Rest   Matthew 11:28-29

And my favorite...

His Presence   Deuteronomy 31:6

Blessings on the Journey,

:) Michelle

Sharing the Journey

My Prayer

I've prayed about creating this blog for a long time now and am stepping out in faith that God has something to share with those walking with Him in singleness. I'm taking my conversations with Jesus, my heart for single believers, and the testimony of my own single life and sharing it with you. This is a bold step for me, but one I believe God will use to speak through. My sincere prayer is that it blesses and refreshes your single walk with the Lord, and strengthens you in the body of Christ. Be encouraged, be challenged, and be ready to hear what God wants to do with your undivided heart.

Your Part

As you read, please keep in mind... my desire is that if you read something here that stirs your heart, in any direction, you take it into the place of prayer and ask God to speak to you further. This is ultimately about your relationship with Jesus.  Put the things you read up against His Word, seek Him in prayer, and ask the Spirit to confirm or reject whatever you receive, according to His will. My prayer has been and will continue to be that these are His words and not my own. I can only praise Him for the testimony He's blessed me with in this season, and ask Him to multiply it for His kingdom.